Thursday, January 9, 2014

Time to reflect. I'm standing opposite my image in the bathroom, gently massaging this insta-hair-dye into the sparsely placed grays in my beard. The only inheritance bestowed on me -- grays in my youth, no matter how much I've resisted it; I am my father's son. The one person close to me was the first person to call at exactly 12am.. Boohoo, okay so it is routine, people do this for their loved ones ALL the time so why am I making any noise about it? In context, I am the eternal cucumber, not in a good way either and my level of projected nonchalant-ness is astonishing. I find it sudden and calming to have appreciated a moment like that, especially after a very turbulent squabble over a freaking TV show, we almost inked a deal to end our friendship.. Sheeit, I dey go colleeect my presents, take play.. :).

Aging is not yet a comfortable conversation and concept for me. I imagined my life to be a certain way at certain ages and for the past 7 years, I've felt off-track. Personal aspirations and goals are slowing and winding and stagnating and dragging and screeching and dissipating and fleeting...  I try to brave through it with laughs and silly justifications of "everything happens for a reason", "God's time is the best" yadiyada but  they are all lame excuses. Scared people reason out their shortcomings. They fight the reality that their current position and condition is self-inflicted. It is hard to accept that you ain't shit because of your own doing. More pointedly, it is hard to isolate yourself from your vision of what/who/where you expected to be from the reality of what/who/where you are and accept full responsibility for it.

I am generally a happy person with too many theories on how to do things that I've never fully done, I just have a stubborn addiction and belief in my ideas and abilities. I gotta imagine wanting to wake up and kissing her on the ass before I fully commit to a woman. Yeah, awkward psyche there but don't judge me, it is how I'm wired. I don't really care for your happy birthdays and hbd's, thankfully, my twitter friends were all "Happy Birthdays", no hbd's there.. I am a self-centered prick who wants to be so successful, only then will I throw a party and have a flamboyant speech so you guys can all clap for me and say how eloquent I am and shit.. In the absence of that dream, all your wishes are just a gruesome reminder of how far behind I'm lagging in my dreams. I still believe I am the reincarnation of something pretty great but that could be as "the greatest nobody that ever lived"..

At the tail end of our unwarranted argument, she said something along the lines of: wishing me a great day and believing in my ability to be anything I want to be... whether it was raising the premier fashion house in the world out of Africa or pursuing a law degree blah blah... It was sweet, thoughtful and awkward because we were in an ongoing dispute/fight. It was scary to read her presentation of  what happens to be my exact expectations of myself and how I felt helpless in the presence of it. So I wrote this account of my thoughts out loud to hopefully chase away these demons--(Robert Plant's Satan Your Kingdom Must Come Down is vigorously thumping in my head this very second), exercise my writing skills and say a thank you to everyone who wishes me well and has these high expectations of me. Time will tell how this freestyle plays out in my story but really, for all those that have been a part of my life this past year, I hope I keep extracting some form of action/reaction from you -- because fictional or real, it reminds me that I am not as insulated from want, desire, fear, insecurity and struggle as much as I like to tell myself. Thanks and drink your alcohol of choice on my account, cash it against my future success. :). Bless up.

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