FUCK YO' FEELINGS!
Writing this article has taken months yet. I am not entirely sure I'm still mentally prepared to explore every aspect of the subject. The idea of giving a fuck or not giving two vulture shits. New age personas versus age-old character traits--rules of engaging with other humans. Intimate or platonic, relationships border around authenticity, fakery, humoring, egos, who cares more, who gives and receives and communication.
It is increasingly difficult to form real relationships because the dynamics of it are evolving faster than the occurrence of tweets per second. There are the stoic and brazen. The ones who find any display of emotion repulsive, a punk act or bitch-made. Agreeably, there are appropriate instances where these colorful adjectives are beyond fitting. However, there is a part of the dynamic that I find fueled by fear of seeming weak or uncool.. Like a sucker. Of course there are the few who are truly closed off emotionally but come on, how many of us are truly "stone-frozen CIA operative willing to sacrifice their mother to retrieve information from a terrorist about the location of a home-made chemical bomb cell" cold? Most of the time, I am suspecting it as our mechanism for avoiding hurt or emotional discomfort. That shit can be depressing, I should know.
The era of social media makes it almost impossible to manage a balanced approach to human relationships. Like people tweeting out LOL instead of actually laughing out loud at the joke.Those that expose their vulnerabilities get chewed out and regurgitated of the ruminant variety. Not pretty. No one likes to seem weak or needy and then real friendships fall apart over simple differences of opinion. Pride is a necessary element of character but if it is the only character trait, are we not depriving ourselves of a more fulfilling human experience? I could use a dose of that advice in more important aspects of the relationship hierarchy - intimacy.
The overly emo ones can be ridiculous too, can't they? That one friend who falls in love at the drop of a date or fling, fish-lining a deeper meaning from every action or statement. Creating mountains of emotion where they don't exist or belong. Like, "she brought my Starbucks latte in her left hand so that means she has feelings for me now", or on the contrary, "she's upset that I borrowed her pencil without her permission earlier this morning". No freak, you are NOT that important to warrant all these elaborate scheming gestures that express others' feelings about your most trivial actions. Get it together.
As a male, I think we have certain moments where we are stewing with certain emotions that we have to fight with every blood cell and macho muscle in our shell even if it is clothed in a depth of fat. Like when you really want to know why she's now fucking him and not you? Yeah, you have to refrain bruh. Don't ask that question, it usually won't be the truth or too ego-damaging. Or going through her phone to get up on if she's really telling you the truth about her recent sudden sleepiness-- it never fails-- she drops off into deep sleep like she was drowned in a barrel of liquid Diazepam 2minutes after you were both just LOL'ing on facetime. Don't do it, it is an invasion of privacy and once you cross that line you slowly slip-- mutating into that monster who has a need to control everything. This is dating not an episode of a foray into your unexplored Dr. Who skills. If you don't trust her, you might have to deal with another emotion-- one of loss and cut her loose or accept her new sleep pattern and re-adjust the schedule of your chattiness. Or become more interesting, I don't know.. Move in with her, something, anything but invade her privacy..
So far I have nothing mind blowing because even in writing this, I'm guarding my thoughts from my emotions. What I feel and think are autonomous in their own regard. They influence each other but are two very separate expressions. Not exclusive to my being but I decided to write this unmasked so let me just... When it comes to intimacy, like wanting to be in love, who doesn't want that? There is that part of me that wants to peruse every inch of flesh on those ungodly looking females that are posted online everyday. Fantasize like every normal red-blooded heterosexual male should. Then sometimes, I fear the idea of commitment not because of the notion of being stuck with one vagina for life but I really just don't wanna invest all these emotions and it ends up being for naught. That sounds wimpish but it is a real fear. Chalk it up to a turbulent whatever.. Growing up and witnessing so many failed marriages and broken homes that make you wonder, what is the point of it all?
Even scarier is the concept of expectations. Can you be the man you are expected to be, provide and protect and also earn enough to maintain a woman's love and respect? If I'm alone with these thoughts then I just ousted myself as a squeamish guy who is afraid of going after what he wants. LOL. I think we all like the idea of stability and being assured that it will last. The reality is people change, their feelings, likes and dislikes, sexual preferences, interests.. whatever. You can't manage these tangibles. You can take an educated gamble. I find that, one has to be willing to risk something for a real relationship. Hopefully, it pans out but the risk is worth taking if most of your peperronis are in order on the pie. There is always another option or the plural but you can't afford not to make a choice. Who am I preaching to?
Fuck it, just be authentic, do what you want and live with the repercussions. I wrote this far and suddenly got jolted by a fact I've always known. There are no simple answers to the issues of emotions and their role in the quality of life we live. Only thing one can do is risk something, I just hope to make as calculated a gamble as my inspiration for life did; Jay Z. Okay who am I kidding, that is the stuff of fantasy and I'm sure they have challenges that are veiled to the public but damn do they make a nigga wanna duplicate their union. This is not going the way I have juggled in my thoughts for many months. I think it is lacking a certain grit, the deeper darker truths about the challenges of emotions in life. I meant to express thoughts like; how do you know if you really want her or is it because you are lonely? That thought is a little too challenging because you cannot know unless you have precedent. If you happen to only like her after she left and it is your first time feeling the enormity of such a loss, it may be genuine. If this is a pattern, you are laying in a bag of dicks my friend. Real nigga shit, by nigga I mean any human being, male or female. I cuss like a sailor when I'm frustrated and right now, I hate this topic. It's bringing emotions into play that are too personal.
Sorry I wasted your time, there's nothing here to be told and if I upset you, fuck off and deal with your own gatdamn emotions my nigga, I'm not Freud and even he fucked up a lot. I'd say 90% of his assertions were bullshit even though he's considered the father of psychology! There wasn't much intellectual competition back then I assume because I swear I know not one guy that fantasizes about sleeping with their own mother. Not a one. That is an outlier behavioral pattern. If you are one of those, seek help, it is a sick thing.All the ramblings in summation just says; manage your feelings but don't obsess over them and don't be too much of a poser or a needy person either. By the way, I wish some of you more well-rounded people with better character than me will comment on this blog(I was just told wordpress.com would be the better format for this feat so I'm moving there as soon as I get the time to), I know I seem arrogant as fuck but I'm not as bad. I like dialogue and right now I have plenty time to chat with anyone that has an opinion. I'm yearning for some online love, a connection to screen names and shit so don't hold back, the feeling can be mutual or commensalic(a derivative of commensalism that I coined because I was too lazy to think of a more appropriate word). Take two.