Thursday, February 6, 2014

Meditating on the Cedi.

Wonakobo is out - Treasure. Accra boys get money, Nima too. Shoot, Navrongo and Shiashi. People get money for Accra  bad! For Ghana, boys get money wey women even get more money. Makola women dost roff!! You dey pray give Cedi like e get stomach ache? You for give am milk of magnesia!!!.. 

Why we are baffled by our lack of progress economically I don't know. In the capital, probably the most economically vibrant part of Ghana, you have little relevant taxable commerce. The coco seller, waakye seller, street hawker, shoe-shine boy, kiosk operator, corner store, clothing store in the wall of several residential homes -- tax-free -- all of them -- tax free -- Zero-kpo!!, notin dem dey pay to conduct business in the community, notin!!! Big businesses and established store fronts, they circumvent the law. There is no watchdog for the health of our economy-- dibi namindibi, tsooboey! yey!  Ebe who e fault? You want make Cedi have value? What backs the Cedi?--> Prayers!, if you ask Duncan-Williams -- former cocaine dealer turned preacher is now a spiritual economist. Osofo Pesewa, he know money well 'cos he dey see money constant for offering bowl inside. In his church, all he has to do is command that the meek and willing congregation pay more and his offerings increase exponentially.. Why not command the Cedi in the same vein?, rules of the money market be damned.  All into the boot of his car--> trunk for those unfamiliar with british-gh lingo. At a time in his ministry, that was the practice, nowadays there are ATM's in the church building so even the Church has evolved monetarily but Ghana's economy hasn't? Ewurade kasa!

This is not the time for band-aid solutions. How many of our people even truly understand this BOG issuance? The English dem write saf dey bore but make we try understand am for the layman. Follow.


Further to Bank of Ghana Notices Nos. BG/GOV/SEC/2007/3 and BG/GOV/SEC/2007/4, it is announced for the information of all authorized dealer banks and the general public that with effect from February 5, 2014, the rules governing the operations of FEA and FCA have been revised. --> This just means; remove your drosss and apply the vaseline..

These rules are intended to streamline the operations of these accounts and bring about clarity and transparency in their operations as well as ensure compliance with Bank of Ghana Notice No.BG/GOV/SEC/2012/12 dated October 10, 2012 on the pricing, advertising receipts and payments of goods and services in foreign currency in Ghana. ---> 
You have no choice in this matter and we'll penetrate you as many times as we wish, now bend over!!

 The Notice states that all transactions in the country are required to be conducted in Ghana cedis, which is the sole legal tender. --> Since the Cedi has basically been shit, we have decided to now intervene and remind you that we are still in Ghana so using the Cedi is expected, no matter how volatile it may be, after all the value of your goods don't really fluctuate now, do they?

The Bank of Ghana has revised the mode of operation for the FEA and FCA as follows:
  1. No cheques or cheque books shall be issued on the FEA and FCA. --> This means "wu na" could be dying but if her hospital bills have to be written in check form because you are on a business trip overseas then sorry but Wu-Na!!! She can die knowing your dollars will never leave the bank to become as valueless as the Cedi...  :(

  2. Cash withdrawals over the counter from FEA and FCA shall only be permitted for travel purposes outside Ghana and shall not exceed US$10,000.00 or its equivalent in convertible foreign currency, per person, per travel. --> We know we don't manufacture even matches in this country but the only business transaction you Makola-level and petty-traders can engage in are the cheap and low-end obroni weywu type merchandize.. If you ordered an industrial machine to extract palm oil and it costs you $10,157?-- fuck you, Fa Ma Nyame!! Ashi egu... Oh and big business always pays sizable bribes so they can ignore this ruling, *shrug*

  3. Authorised dealers shall not sell foreign exchange for the credit of FEA or FCA of their customers. --> Wu p3 loan di ay3 ejuma in dollars? Aji ywease ashi.. Wuti abrochrie 'nti dien? Tweeaaa!!

  4. Transfers from one foreign currency denominated account to another are not permitted. --> We allow you to practice polygamy, but you can't fuck two wives at once, you know this!! Not even if they agree to the threesome.. Aden wuy3 macho ntiana saa? 

  5. All transfers outside Ghana from FEA and FCA shall be supported by relevant documentation. --> With the right bribe, we can xerox any documents even if it has to have the IGP's signature. If you are too broke to pay bribe, well fogerrit my broda..
Margin Account for Import Bills
f. Foreign exchange purchased for the settlement of import bills shall be credited to a margin account which shall be operated --> Wait a minute, the fuck? I can now conduct business in foreign currency again? I thought you banned that shit in rule  BG/GOV/SEC/2012/122? O well.
and managed by the bank on behalf of the importer for a period not exceeding 30 days.
Foreign Currency Denominated Loans --> Oh, so long as we control the value of your money within the 30days, you can use whatever currency you like, even if you convert it to goat herds...
  1. No bank shall grant a foreign currency denominated loan or foreign currency linked facility to a customer who is not a foreign exchange earner. --> Jaack, tutena!, you studied this in Social or Cultural studies; yen t'na faako enji enimguasi3!! You can go be Togolese and then we'll let you use whatever currency you like but so long as you be Ghanaba?, ah, stepchild kwraa enfanuhu!!!

  2. All undrawn foreign currency denominated facilities shall be converted into local currency with the coming into effect of this Notice.--> You got 24hours to live, what would you do?, where would you go?; cue in DMX and Mase for your financial emergencies... Or Obrafour may be the better fit.. Wu p3o, wun p3o, wu b3di Cedi!!

     However, existing fully drawn foreign currency denominated facilities and loans to non-foreign exchange earners shall run until expiry.--> Wonsha bodey, if you be man, go withdraw your money as the banks close, you go see your soormi!!.. O wait, by the time they open, the law would be in effect and all your dollars "musu eshwie yrodoo" -- running tummy -- you are royally fucked! Asantehene fucking small girls in Legon fucked, minister building boutique for his friends' daughter fucked, walahi church chorister several times fucked behind the partition fucked!!! Sheeeit, muy3 fokin kwraa, you fokin stupid citizens of Ghana, we the select few, we'll rape you with cactuses until you're bleeding to death.. We'll just let your carcasses marinate on the mattress-less stretchers in any public hospital! Thanks for your inherent God-given docility AND nonchalantness towards our incompetence, WE appreciate your continued belief in the Super Power that will save us and the Cedi. Oh, please don't forget to pray for us this sunday o, we need it roff - foreign currency allowed for that short church service window, no limit on the amount though, give freely!! And let the people say Aaaamen!! Hallelu.. Yah ;).
Banks and the general public are hereby advised to note the above and be guided accordingly.
4th February, 2014 -- Oh I forgot, my name carries some authority but if you refuse to follow the rules I have imposed, the highest authority of all, Nyame ankasa betua muka!, mu Ghanafuo!! I know you won't ask  me any real relevant questions anyway so I boldly tell you to go fuck yourself. Thanks for reading your new bible. 

When are we going to implement sound economic practices? Enact and enforce rules and regulations that truly bolster our economy and the value of our currency. Or are we just resigned to these fairy dust solutions that will blow up in 13months? Are these well-educated economists and elder citizens just gonna shoosh and let sleeping dogs lie? The ground is sifting from beneath our feet.. We are sinking and we have our hands raised to heaven, praying vehemently and God is busily disgusted by our lack of responsibility. 

We have to sacrifice now for the longterm health of the economy, the only guarantee known to man for a stable valuable currency. Let's invest our resources in our people. Someone hear us, the collective intelligent youth posting everywhere on social media with possible solutions. Our issues are not unique and never-seen before but our attitudes may be unprecedented. What gives? I am partially jovial and sarcastic in this piece but damn this stuff makes my stomach turn in kaleidoscopic sequences. ...

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